a letter to a student that will never be sent

you asked me a couple of months ago what my first impression was of you and i don't remember. i'm sure y'all had no idea back then how scared i was those first couple of weeks. i felt like i was fighting to survive, all while not letting on how bad it really was. and maybe i fooled you all. and i don't remember when i realized that you were one of those kids that was gonna stick. you were in a very small but intensely difficult class. it was hard but it allowed me to get to know you more than a lot of my other students. and i'm grateful for that.

you have a very tough exterior. i know there are teachers that have an opinion of you based solely on that. and i'm glad that i got to know you and that i knew guys like you growing up. i knew it was a cover a long time ago. and i think you figured out early on that the tough act didn't work on me. because you let it slide very often. you showed me that you were still a little boy in many aspects. you and your sidekick, despite being the typical troublemakers, quickly made your way into my heart.

there have been days when i wanted to shake the snot out of both of you. because i know you can do better. i know you have the potential to be incredible men. you, especially, are lucky to have people at home who love you, will fight for you, will hold you accountable when you fuck up. there are kids that don't have that. it is a blessing that sometimes feels like a curse.

i have a distinct memory of you telling me you were from the valley. you even wrote once about how if you had stayed there you would be in a gang or dead. you recognized that your mother had done something very good for you. you knew that you were headed down a much better path. maybe that memory makes this even harder for me.

i asked you today what you were doing, hanging out with a kid that had waltzed into this school and so quickly turned friendships on their heads. i was not prepared for the flash of anger i saw. you asked why i cared. you said i wasn't family and should stay out of it. and maybe i should. i'm still figuring out where teachers are supposed to step out of their students' lives. but as long as you are in the walls of the school i think i have some say. when there are rumors of fights breaking out and i see students walking around in a daze, as your former best friend is, i feel like i have to speak.

there is one week left in school and after that you are gone. to summer vacation and then high school. there will be nothing left for me to say or do. your new buddy is hard and scarred. i can't fathomt the things that have happened in his life to make him into the person he is. as young as 14 or 15 years old. but i know you haven't been there and you don't have to go there. you have had a good foundation. you have goals. i've spent so much time defending you to ignorant teachers. silently applauding when you accomplished things that nobody else thought you could. but you knew you could.

just 3 days ago i was telling you and your former best friend that you had both surpassed everyone's expectations on the state tests. you were both so proud of yourselves and eachother. there was no sign of that today.

maybe. hopefully. this will blow over next week. i know that you are somewhat of an outsider in your original group but y'all had a tight group of deepdown good kids there. you had the reputation of being the troublemakers but you were all deepdown good.

i'm saying a prayer for you tonight H. i'm scared for you. maybe over time i'll stop caring so much about my students. but not yet.

love,
miss t