out of the light

where did i leave off? i can't remember. i've been sick sick sick. it is a strange thing to be absent from work like this for more than a day. i've missed days here and there with a stomach bug, sick offspring, or day of training, but i've been down for the count for awhile and i'm dreading going back tomorrow. i'm not ready. i'm going to be exhuasted and i have a night class at the end the work day, but i can't afford to miss more. i can't afford it monetarily and my students can't afford it.

next week is the Big Bad State Assessment for half of my kids in writing. don't get me started. so much pressure on these kids when school itself is such a tough thing. at the end of next week i have a Big Bad Teacher Test to take. two weeks after that i present a portfolio showcasing what i have learned in my first year as a teacher. expect entries in preparation for that.

i don't think i've posted about it here, but i'm going through some sort of identity crisis. there was a short period of time there where i had decided i wasn't returning to the profession next year. that has passed. if they will have me back, i'll be back for another year at the current school. after that it is up in the air. MSW (Masters in Social Work) or law school. we'll see. i'm trying to keep all that in my private blog and leave the teaching stuff here. so enough about that.

what have i learned as a first year teacher? what a time to ask. there has been high drama in my district and most recently in my very department. i know that teachers are human. but why do they have to be bad humans? why do they have to hurt kids? i'm saddened and angry but i can't talk about it. no tell alls from miss teacher. just vague references.

i've learned that no 2 days are the same. that you fall in love with your students right off the bat. sometimes they piss you off and sometimes you love them fiercely. they definitely remind you what it was like to be young. sometimes i think they are older than i am in what they have seen in their short lives.

the system is failing so many of my kids in such a big way. i told my principal this. he heard me and understood me. he said the thing that makes me a good teacher is the very thing that makes me want to throw my hands in the air. not a lot of reassurance.

i think one of the reasons i have avoided updating here is because i have so much to process and i'm afraid to. i may get to it slowly but it may not come tumbling out until the summer vacation when i have time to step back and take a break. we'll see. when i started this blog i was intimidated by some of the other, more established teacher blogs out there. was i going to sound academic enough? would i post links to the hot topics in teacher-land? i'm sure i don't and i obviously haven't. i need to get over that. this is about my experience. i don't even know how many readers i have out there anymore, 2 that i have evidence of, but this has got to be here mainly for myself. if i quit doing this next year this will be my record.

i need to sleep. i'm still exhausted.